Ramblings from the Zeppo

I don't knwo if I want peace that bad...

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 01:04:39 GMT

Peace. Peice of mind. Things like this keep me up at night. I mean which would you rather have? Peace or peice of mind? I don't really know which I would chose. I mean I would love to be at peace with myself., but, you can't win when your a loser. I try so hard to make sense of the world through my useless musings. Who really cares whether I get to sleep tonight or not? I am just one man. One man who gets to eat tonight. One man who gets to smile tonight. One man who gets to question that which he doesn't understand. One man trying to strive to better those whom are around him. I think I can open peoples eyes to the truth of this flawed world. Do I ever get the job done? Will I type a sentence that isn't a question or questionable? Maybe I'm just insane. But, not in the membrane like White Zombie. Because my pain gets a little more complicate everyday. I become a little older. A little bolder. With a little more to say. Fuck growing pains. I already shot up like a weed under a window seal. So, fucking grown my head stays in these clouds. So, remember the next time it rains that I feed this world with my tears. I make sure it continues to grow. These red eyes wouldn't lie to you. But, they would cry for you. And they do. Trying to make my writings a mirror of who I am. Trying to make it all fit into my master plan. But, it isn't for world domination. It's for world ressurection. Trying to save us humans. Us fallen angels. From the depth of a hell we call Earth.This isn;t what creation intended for us. But, it doesn't matter. Because the more I type the more I realize just how useless I really am. Because I am infact just one man. But, I want to end this little speil of mine on a high note. So, I'll just say with a smile on my face that I don't smile for myself, but for everyone else who can't smile. The ones of us living in this deadpan denile. You'll never really understand until you've been there and you'll really never be there until you go there. It's all just a question of guts and making it happen. So, chin up. Dry those eyes and look out for tomorrow because it's just a few hours of sleep away...

Peace or peice...whichever it is that you wish for...

In the midst of forever. Halfway to never...

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 08:48:51 GMT

Love. Love is one of those things that has a million defintions you ask someone theirs and most likley it will never be the same, but, it all shares one common connection. The fear of being alone. It;s been so long since I've had anyone to hold. It's been so lnog since I've had anyone to hold me.I really need it sometimes. I miss it to the point where I almost find myself screaming inside my mind. My own thoguhts are enough to drive me insane. To most people I'm just some mixed up kid trying to act like he knows more than he does, but, these eyes have seen a lot. A lot of pain. A lot of worry. A lot of lonliness. Even in crowds I find myself feeling lonley. There's nothing I can do about it because so few people will take the time to get inside my mind and share who I really am and the life i lead. It's hard for me to share the life with myself sometimes. The burdens I put on myself become too much and no one is there to help em when I fall. I'm one of those hopeless romantic poet types. Becasue the people who really thirst for romance and passion never really find it. Atleast not in that forever kind of way.It's because "God" is the worlds greatest comdeian and life is a joke so complex that only a few get it. I'm not saying that I nessacarily buy into there being God, but, I don't not buy in it. That's what I want on my tombstone when my time comes. "Life is a joke too few people get" . I just started saying that so long ago that it really stuck with me over the years.

Yes, I hate being called a kid! Fuck you! You live my life! And you tell me I didn't have to grow up before it was my time! I'm not bitching because quite frankly I love the person I have become. For good or bad. It's me. If your older than me just take the time to get to know me. I've changed many a minds about me. Their perception of me. "mixed up kid". Well, in 21 years I've tasted a lot of different points of life. I go out and I learn and I live. I'm not saying I've seen it all so much. I'm just saying I've seen more than you'd expect. I've still got a lot to see and if your living this life thinknig that you don't have anything left to see then you are ready to die. Here borrow my pillow and sufficate yourself with it.

Sad thing is that many people will never take much a chance for me because the wrapping isn't as pretty as they'd like and the stuff inside is flawed and worn. All I've ever asked of anyone is a chance. Yet, I never seem to get it. Maybe it's my openess about who fucked I am on the inside. I think I said it best to someone "I will not try to fix what I didn't help to break.". Most people don't realize, however, that I don't want to be fixed. It is my flaws that make me. If I did not have them then I would be just like the rest of these 21 year old boys. Thinking that a way to a womans heart is through her vagina. The path to a womans heart, boys, starts in your own. I know this because I've had to learn it. I've been given breif samplers of the delicacy that is love. Now, I just wait for the main course...

Update Soon

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 19:52:35 GMT

Soon I will post a major update on my life...soon indeed.

Some test I stole from Josh

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 17:24:33 GMT

PURITY: 34% sex, 20% substance, 66% moral [39% total]

Well done! The higher your scores, the more "pure" you are. The lower, the more you've experienced.

This test was about done deeds, so your numbers will never climb. [It's
interesting to think they all started at 100%.] But will your purity
continue to fall? Will you OUTGROW or will you OUTDO your past experiences? It's up to you.

Advisory:

Don't date anyone if your moral purities differ by more than 30%.
Don't run a business with anyone if your substance purities differ by more than 40%.
Do be friends with someone who has less than 1/2 your sex purity. You'll enjoy their colorful company.

Note: as for the "TOTAL" purity value - that's a weighted combination
of your scores, indicating what a typical purity test might say about
you.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 6% on substance
You scored higher than 10% on sex
You scored higher than 45% on moral
You scored higher than 14% on TOTAL

Link: The 3-Variable Purity Test written by chriscoyne on Ok Cupid

In other news I had a REALLY REALLY REALLY wild weekend. I might tell you about it sometime

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 19:02:31 GMT

GREEN

??Which colour of Death is yours??
brought to you by Quizilla

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 18:59:25 GMT

Greatsword
You preferred a weapon with 70% power over speed and 25% range over melee.

You use a Greatsword.

Do the words Zweihander or Flamberge
mean anything to you? You prefer a Greatsword, a massive, heavy blade
frequently strong enough to cut down the rides of mounted warriors.
Though slow, the impressive length and heft of a greatsword makes it
capable even of breaking through armor. Your enemies will run from the
deadly arcs of your blade as you bear down on them.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 92% on power
You scored higher than 25% on range

Link: The What's Your Signature Weapon Test written by inurashii on Ok Cupid

I'm alive...barley

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 16:16:57 GMT

Welp, it's been a long long long long long ass time since I've graced these pages withg anything resembling an entry. But, I'm lazy so all you get is a quick run down of what I've done since coming back from break.

1) Got kicked out of school
2) Got back in school
3) Had a girl interested in me.
4) Got WAY TOO drunk. Girl no longer interested
5) Got a job.
6) Have been fighting off depression for about a week.
7)Thought about the ex girlfriend a little too much
8) Did this update

I'm really boring and predictable. Plus I screw everything up.

Good times

Till I feel like doing this again

Peace out and God Bless

RIP Mitch Hedberg.

Argh

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 06:21:20 GMT

I like her. I honestly think she likes me back.

And its nights like these when Derek doesn't sleep that well.

Maybe it's me whos cold and empty

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:02:46 GMT

and in my darkness I cannot seem to find the light...

Welp, it's been awhile since I graced these pages with anything that could be considered a real update. And no accually I don't think it is going to be one of my angst ridden Emo post either. Although those seem to be the most popular amog my readers. They seem to like it when I'm down. So, if you are one of those people save yourself some time and quit reading now.

Life - In my life I don't think I've ever really apperciated being alive. I've finally started to do jsut that. I've started to enjoy life and take everything with a grain of salt. I'm too good of a person for life to always be bad and depressing. Latley, I've been making a lot of new friends and having a jolly ol time. I'mm also in school. In college. Wow. I never thought I'd be typing those words. I never thought I'd be living this life, but, I jumped. I didn't look I just jumped. I was afraid before I gotr here that I would grow to regret my decsion, as I've always been a thinker and not accually a doer. But, I don't regret it. I'm here. I'm NOT queer. So, get used to it.

Girls - I've been burnt by them many many many many many...well, you get the point, times. But, recently I have met one that, despite the fact you seems very uninterested in me, that has restored my faith that there are women out there who are worth the trouble. The things I want to tell her I can't. Because if I did it might cause her to start drifting away. But, I had a dream about her the other night. I was in one of my little pissy ass angsty goth moods and sitting on the curb. She walked up and sat down beside me and put her head on my shoulder. Didn't say a word, but, I know in my dream I just smiled and we sat there watching the world pass us by. This dream I think is my subconcious telling me not to give up on her. That eventually everything will fall into place. This has given me a new found comfort in who I am and what I can achieve in this world.

Friendship/Brotherhood - When I left Pikeville I didn't expect to find friends like Andy and Marc up here. I didn't expect to find people I could put my trust into and turn my back and not be afraid to find a knife burried in it. Well, as the old cliched saying goes, Expect the unexpected. I have found 2 people up here that I consider 2 of the best friends I have ever had. They know who they are. We have hung out almost everyday for about three months and I don't regret any of the time I've spent with them. They are just like me. We are "The Strange on Display". We might be a little crazy, but, we are the good kind of crazy. The kind that makes you laugh and say to yourself "I wish I could be like that." We fucking rule. To my boys all I gotta say is....RESPECT KNUCKLES!

Pikeville - I don't think I was ever supposed to be there. I think there was a mix up in someones plans and I just ended up there. Ended up in a place that would make me miserable for a good chunk of my life. Now, that I'm gone and I look back. I realize that Pikeville is what made me the cool person I am today. It made me the funny and respectful guy that everyone can't help but to like. I'm accually looking forward to going home for the first time in my life. And I'm accually refering to Pikeville as home with a smile for the first time also.

The Grand Finale a.k.a Derek - I refer to myself as The Zeppo. And part of me still thinks this is true. I will always be a little self depricating. It has become almost a secound nature. I know some people get mad at me when I put myself down, but, what they don't realize is that it is jsut the scared little kid inside of me doing that. Wanting to beat you to the punch. But, as I grow into this skin that have never seemed to fit me I am becoming more comfortable with who Derek "The Zeppo" really is. I am not afraid to be me anymore. I am Derek the Zeppo. I am just a man. But, you'll never really know me unless you open your mind and let me take you somewhere you've never been.

For those about to rock...I salute you and present you with lyrics that I think describe my mind set at this moment more than you can imagine. Adios and Peace out.

-Derek-

Times Like These
By: The Foo Fighters

I, I'm a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
then follows you back home
I, I'm a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I, I'm a little divided
do i stay or run away
and leave it all behind?

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

Quiz

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 23:22:21 GMT

You Are 15% Left Brained, 85% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.

Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.

If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.

Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.

Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.

If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.

Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

A girl that doesn;t give head...

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 23:18:08 GMT

is like a flat tire...USELESS.

That's right, I'm a fuckin dickhead. But, it's true. If theres one thing a guy likes it's for a chick to suck his dick. Now, why would a girl not give head? I guess for the same kind of reasons a guy won;t give head, but, I could never be with a girl who didn't suck dick. That would be stupid.

In other news, I'm no longer "the nice guy" Fuck that shit. Being nice never gets one anywhere. So, I'm done.

In more news. How can a girl tell em I'm all about getting sex when I haven't had sex with her? Seems kind of stupid. Also, how can a girl ask someone to send her a hookup with no strings and NOT want to have sex with you? Thats rejection of the worst kind. So, I'm no longer being nice. If I talk to yuo and your a girl. Just assume I want in your pants. Every other girl does.

21 years(almost) breathin smog' has got me mental so....GET OFF ME DOG!!!!

The truth and nothing but the truth

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 00:11:57 GMT

Sititng here in a dismal abyss. No, not really. i jsut wanted to make things sound really Goth and Emo for a moment. I've been sitting here thinknig about my life recently. I've made a few good friends. Met a girl or two. Nothing has happened with any girls. Which sucks, but, ah I'm tired of the whole "lets be friends" shit. It's a cop out. A total cop out.

Girls want guys like me around for ONE reason and thats to comfort them when the assholes they date dont want to. So, you end up being the one thats there for them, but, never the one they wake up next too. It's all bullshit. i'm not doing the friends thing. Does that make me an asshole? Does that mean I'm just in it for "sex". No, it just means I'm not gonna play anyones chump. Fuck that shit. been there done that. Sorry, girls, but, if thats what your looking for. better luck with the next poor shlub. I've got friends. I really don;t need anymore. Does that sound harsh? Probably. I can't help it. I'm tired of always being sad because I want what I can never have. I'm tired of it.

First of all, I'm a great fucking guy. I'm nice and I care and I love with all my heart. So, why do I keep getting the RAW end of the deal? I don't know. Probably because all girls are the same. Yeah, i wnet there. I want to meet my perfect girl. So, I'm going to post requirments in this entry. If you meet them please PLEASE. For the love god leave a message here in my journal or AIM Derek The Zeppo.

Dream Girl

Must like...

Futurama
Family Guy
The Simpsons
Kevin Smith Movies
Cansdian Teen Mellow-Drama
American Teen Mellow-Drama
All different types of music.
To drink.
Bigger guys

Must Have...

Sense of humour. Preferrably a good one.
A gourgeous smile.
A heart. (Read: NO COLD HEARTED BITCHES)
A sex drive equal to mine. (Read: I likes to fuck)
Dark Hair

Must Be...

Honest to a fault
Able to stand by me no matter what.
A smoker. Or atleast able to deal with my chain smoking.
SINGLE or currently uninvolved. (I am avalible for the occasional hook up. I would prefer a relaationship, but, I gottsta get mine too.)
Trustworthy
Shorter than me
Loyal
A good friend to me above all else.
Able to deal with my pot smoking habbit.
Willing not to cheat on me with my friends.
Willing to deal with the times when I lsoe my mind and get all crazy for about a week.
Deal with my sometimes chronic depression.
It would help if she was crazy too.
I love crazy girls. they are my kryptonite.
Intelligant.
Willing to have philosopical conversations about life at 3 in the am for no toehr reason than we can't sleep.
An insomniac would probably be good too.

I'm doubting I'll get any response to this. But, maybe the girl of my dreams might stumble across this and leave me a comment.

Peace out,

'Tucky

Here comes the rain again. Falling from the stars.

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 18:59:34 GMT

Drenched in my pain again. Becoming what we are...

-HUGE UPDATE ON THE WAY-

Quiz or something

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 09:46:46 GMT

The Basics]
Full name: Derek Ryan "Kentucky" Rowe
Date of birth: August 2 1984
Gender: Male
Location: PA
Zodiac sign: Leo
Reason for taking survey: Boredom

[Going Deeper]
If any, name any phobias you have: Rejection
If you could come from any country that wasn't your own, what would it be: Amsterdam
Do you drink: Yes
Do you smoke: Cigerettes and pot
If so, when did you start smoking: 15 years old both
If any, what drugs have you done: Too many to name
Are you a junk food person or a healthy eater: Junk
Living arrangements: THE BOX
Name any pets you have: Sugar (dog in KY)
Siblings: Chuck and Kimb
Do you like your school: yeah its cool AIP represent
What is your favourite class: uh...Freshman Studies
What is your least favourite: Math.
What genre of movie do you prefer: Anythnig good
What movies from that genre do you like the most: Anything good
Are you a gamer: Yes
If so, what games do you play: WOW right now
What music genre do you listen to the most: I like everything pretty much
Name some bands/artists you like: RHCP Green Day Godsmack John Mayer Matchbox Twenty Allister the list is too long
If you could eliminate the existence of one band/artist, which one would you choose: Justin fuckin Timberlake
Are you into self categorization? no

[Favourites]
Time of the year: Summer
Friend: Marc...the boys of 808?
Family member: Nephews Nathan John and Daniel and Neice Kaitlyn
Animal: D
Sweet food: Carmellow
Savoury food: Steak
Spicy food: Pucks Chicken chilli
Country: USA bitch
Colour: Black and Blue
Sitcom: Degrassi, and Seinfeild
Cartoon: Family Guy and Futurama
Pastime: Get drunk and/or high and palying video games or jsut rocking out
Drug: What you got?
Romance movie: Chasing Amy
Sci-fi movie: Any movie where the fat kid gets the girl
Action movie: The rundown ? Resivour Dogs Pulp Fiction
Historical drama movie: blah
Horror movie: Nightmare on Elm street bitches
Music genre: Rock
Porno: Cum on Ilene - J/K
Anime: Eh
Magazine: Eh
Games console: PS2 and PC but I wants my an Xbox
Website: http://viewaskew.com/theboard/viewforum.php?f=1
Swear word: Fuck or God Damn
Ice-cream flavour: Moose Tracks
Clothing brand, if any: Dont really have a fav.. anything comfortable
Place to relax: 808
Place to shop: Eides man

[For the Older Kids, Sex!]
Are you a virgin: No
If applicable, did you like your first time: Eh perhaps
Ever given head: yes
Ever recieved head: yesh
Ever done anal: Maybe but I wasn't on the reciving end
Do you watch pornography: Soemtimes
How often do you masturbate: I'm a guy
Ever had sex whilst drunk: Too many times
Do you regret any sexual incidents that occurred on your part: A couple
Do you consider yourself sexually attractive: No
Favourite sexual position: Girl on top

[Your Love Life]
Are you in a relationship right now: nope
Describe your current, or most recent relationship: Not going here
Are you, or have you ever been in love: Yep
What's your sexual orientation: Straight
Are you, or do you plan on getting married: Doubtful, but, I'd like to someday
Do you believe in soul-mates: Maybe
Do you think long-distance love is possible: No
Could you see yourself being unfaithful: Never
What do you notice about the opposite sex first: Eyes and Hair
Biggest turn-ons: Smiles
Biggest turn-offs: liars
Taller or shorter than you: shorter
Ever broken someone's heart: Hardly
Has someone ever broken yours: Every day
Do/would you have children: I'd like to have kids. got to find someone that wants me around that long first

[Your Bad Side]
Do you steal, or have you stolen: No
If so, was it from a store or a person you know: No
Have you been intimate with someone else's significant other: Not to my knowledge
Do you take advantage of other peoples' kindness: May have before
Have you lied to your parents: Yea
Do you get jealous easily: yes.
Do you have a bad temper: yep
Have you ever made someone cry: Yea
Ever physically hurt someone: Yeah
Do you consider yourself racist: Nope

[This or That]
Alcohol or Marijuanna: Both same time
Coca-Cola or Pepsi: none
A quiet evening at home or a wild night out: wild night out weekends
Extreme intelligence or unbelievable beauty: Clever combination
A permanent, stable relationship or an insane sex life: Clever combination of teh two
Christmas without gifts, or Christmas without everything else: Christmas without gifts
Rock or Rap: Rock
The ability to fly or the ability to be invisible: Fly man Fly
Hearing or seeing: Seeing
Depression or anxiety: Depression usually
Immortality without the ability to die, or mortality: mortality
Death by freezing, or burning: Freezing.
Death by suffocation or being stabbed: Stabbed
Lots of acquaintances or a few close friends: Few close friends.
To be a singer or an actor/actress: actor I guess
Eternal day or eternal night: Night
X-Ray vision or psychic abilities: X ray
Sweet or savoury: Sweet
To never sleep or to never eat: never eat
To eat as much as you want or to sleep as much as you want: sleep
World domination or infinite knowledge of all things: Infinite knowledge
Britney Spears or Christina Aquilera: Both need to die
To enslave or to be enslaved: Neither
To resort to cannibalism or to die: Cannabalism, cause when else you gonna ahve an excuse to say eat me and mean it?

[The Last]
Person you talked to: Josh
Person you argued with: I dunno
Person you hugged: Megan probably
Person you kissed: Tina
Person you texted: Eric
Phone call: Andy
Thing you ate: Steak
Thing you drank: Sierra Mist
Time you showered: Yesterday
Time you laughed: A minute ago
Time you vomited: Awhile back
Time you had sex: a few months ago
TV show you watched: I dunno
Song you listened to: Brand New Mix Tape <--- Love t
Movie you watched: Donnie Darko
Dream you had: I dreamt about this girl who I like and I knew it was a dream cause she liked me back.
Time you got drunk: Saturday
Party you went to: Jasons Birthday on Saturday
Item of clothing you bought: Shoes
Person you would sleep with: Who knows

[Have You Ever Been Called]
Bitch: Yep
Bastard: Yeah
Beautiful: No
Talented: Maybe
A waste of space: Yeah
Liar: Yeah
Geek: yeah
Nerd: yeah
Loser: yeah
Peculiar: yes
Intelligent: yes
Skinny: No
Fat: all the time
Pretty: no
Preppy: no
Goth: yea.. and I dont know why
Emo: yeah
Grunger: yeah
Fiend: yeah all the time
Innovative: No
Weirdo: Yeah
Stupid: Yeah
Retarded: yeah
Annoying: yeah
Freak: yeah
Brat: yeah
Minger: No
Cute: Not to ym face
Interesting: Yeah
Boring: No
Slut: Accually yes
Whore: No
Whoreface: No
Skank: Yeah
Asshole: Yeah
Shitface: Yep
Ugly: Yeah
Disgusting: Yes
Shithead: Yea
Cock: Yeah
Tit: no
Twat: maybe

[Totally Random]
Tell us the first thing you'd do with a million dollars: Buy a Delorian
Why is the sky blue: Cause pumpkins are orange
Do you consider yourself to be romantic: Yes
What's the best thing somebody has ever said about you: That I give really good head.
What do you think of P.E.T.A: Fuck em. I liek emat and fur
What do you think of South Park: Used to eb funny
Is religious fundamentalism a good idea: fuck religion
Do you like candles: yes
Do you think emo people are idiots: Sometimes
Do you think goths are idiots: Sometimes
Do you think people who take ridiculously long surveys are idiots: Sometimes
Do you believe men and women are truly equal: Sometimes

Do people consider you to be a bookworm: Nah
Describe your mother: Cool
What's one thing you would change about your body: Everyhting

Would you kill one child to save the lives of 1000 children: Yes
What one thing would a person have to do to deserve death: rape
Do you use IRC: used to
Do you use bittorrent: have didnt like it
What P2P programs do you use: Limewire Soulseek
Have you ever skydived: Nah
List three things you want to do before you die: Be really loved. Drink a beer with my dad. Be happy
The world ends and you can only save three people and yourself. Who would you save: Johnathan Kaitlyn and Daniel
If you could kick anyone's ass, who would it be: ehhhh
If you could sleep with anyone in the world, who would it be: girl i like her. Stunningly beautiful she is
Are you bored of this survey yet: Yewah I am
What is the meaning of life: The hokey pokey

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 08:25:37 GMT

"I mean, maybe God just wants to see how it all turns out. Maybe it's all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you've built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it can't be a great cosmic game of chess, it has to be just very complicated Solitaire."

This qoute changed me forever. Just wanted to share this with everyone.

Duckie: Well, that's very nice. I'm glad. Well here's... here's the point, Andie. I'm not particularly concerned with whether or not you like me, because I live to like you and... and I can't like you anymore. So... so when you're feeling real low and... and dirty, don't look to me to pump you back up 'cause... 'cause... 'cause maybe for the first time in your life I WON'T BE THERE!

Yeah I just qouted Pretty in Pink...fuck off.

Quiz

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 05:48:27 GMT

The why they love me and the why they hate me where so dead on. I laughed and I laughed...

Can't go home again...

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 19:34:57 GMT

I've been having a fairly good time up here. I've met a lot of cool people and I just keep meeting more. So, okay maybe I'm having too good of a time out here. The first qaurter I've pretty much blown. I'm wondering if I should just pack my bags and head home. Call it a loss and get a job and start paying back my loans. Nothing to show for it, but, a few scars and some broken dreams?

The thing about it is that I'll miss my boys up here. I mean I really thought this was the place for me. And I like being up here. I just wonder...am I cut out for school? I mean am I really? Do I have the drive and the passion that a lot of these kids have? Or am I just lying to myself? I don't know. I got up here and I started to put my all into everything. then as time went on I started to fade. Now, I'm here wondering if I should jsut pack my bags and call it a loss?

I don't know. Leave some opinons or something.

World So Cold...

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 07:14:39 GMT

I have been here for what? About two months now? And I've yet to meet anyone (girl-wise) that I think I might have a chance with. But, I'm not gonig to bitch about it. Cause I have a pretty cool group of friends. But, still not the same as having someone special in your life. It's like I talk all this shit about hjow I want to jsut get laid, but, in reality I want to meet my crazy girl. I like girls with problems because in my eyes that just makes them more beautiful. I guess because I have plently of my own. If you've read half the shit I wrote you know that I am not happy with the person I am. Wait, I dont think it's even that. I think its that I am not happy because I can't find anyone to accept the real me. The fucked up me. The one that often hides away. Yeah I'm too fucking depressing sometimes. Only when I write. I am accually a pretty decent person to eb around when I'm not in "angsty goth" mode.

I've had excatly one girlfriend on Valentines Day. Her name was Krystal Damron. I went all out spent about 200 bucks on her about 2 weeks later she dumped me for my best friend. Happy memories huh? This is what happens that make people so fucking bitter.

Anyways, I hope everyone had a good Valentines Day. Despite being alone mine was ok. I hung with the Boys of 808. It's always fun hanging there. Anyways next time I write I'll have happier things to speak of hopefully.

Alright peace bitches.....

-Derek-

ughhhh

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 17:41:23 GMT

Stoner Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Party was wild last night. Got cut off.

Stuff I wrote that should have me commited

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 04:04:46 GMT

[Oct. 8th, 2004|04:15 pm]
[ Current Mood | Inspired ]

When I stop breathing I'll take a look around. Realize I'm the one to blame and it's not this town.I've tried so many different mask on. None of them ever fit. But, no one seems to like my real face. Tear stained and scared. From things that I cannot begin to explain anymore. I just walk down this lonely road. Trying so hard to find my nitche. Just twenty, but, I feel very old. Too much time spent has wore me down. But, I smile instead of frown. When I remember what goes up it must come down. Simple physics. Doesn;t take a genius. Which I'll never be. I'll jsut keep walking this path keep on being me. I'm not looking for sorrow or sympathy. I don't even care what people think of me. I keep moving to the beat of my personal drum. When I think of life I hear a tune that is ho-hum. Too many night alone. Too many days confused. Leave me a shell of who I started this life as. But, that shell fills itself up a little everyday. But, still i hope and still I pray. That it doesnt turn into the bitter bastard that stands before this mirror. Staring at the reflection and nothings getting clearer. Just more confusion. More rejection. From myself. To myself. For myself. I've lost all contempt for myself. I've lsot all esteem I've ever had. But, still I am not sad. Today. A bright and happy day. A good one to watch everything you thought you knew drip away. Like a fresh painting caught in a storm. The feeling remains on the canvus, but the picture it is unclear. That is me. That's what I have become. All this mess waiting to be loved by someone. To see the beauty that lies within. To feel the feelings that I wish would end. I'm not trying to get your pity. I'm just telling you where I stand. I reach as I am falling and I can only see my hand. Watch the world float by. It so easy not to cry. The bad. The Good. I see it all. But, yet I can't save myuself from this fall. There is no one left to blame. No tears to cry. All thats left is shame. Can't belive how blind I am. Two good eyes, but, still I cannot see. This blood on my hands. I cannot wash it off. I see it everyday. And I wish and pray that I could take this pain away. From the people I have hurt. Instead I make it worse. For them. For me. For her. Putting this perverbal gun to my head. Wishing that words alone could make me dead. Atleast inside. No where to hide. No place to go to call my own. No life to live. No queen by my throne. What I know is this. For ever thing I've ever done wrong I pay. So hardcore. Atleast twice a day. I cry not for myself but for the people who still care. Who have sat with me and watched me as I layed there. They are true friends. all of them. Held my hand until the very end. Now they turn their heads. Can't blame them. Theyve been through it too many times. Listened to all my depressing rhymes. Watched me cry when I was sad. Picked me up. Dusted me off. And remarked that things were not all that bad. Wishing I could find my light. I dropped it somewhere. Wishing I could know when i gave up on me. Feeling like a sailor lost at sea. So, I sit here in my dark place. Sketching away. Trying to capture that look of love on her face. Never was an artist. I paint my pictures with words. And now I'm painting a picture of a sad and lonely man. Man, haha. I mean child. A scared little boy. afraid to show anyone who he really is. because they all run. Far and far away. Maybe theyll find me again. On their way to happiness. I'll be here laying in this dump. Feeling sorry for what I could have been. These are the last feeling I want to feel. After this my heart i kill. Not forever. Just for a little while. Till I can get myself in line. Till I find that kid that got lost so long ago. Who he is I may not even know. But, for now I go...

The Wrongs I can't undo [Sep. 11th, 2004|09:40 pm]
Spent many years in this place
Never had a clear veiw
All that was between my ears was space

I'll never know why I did the things I do
Cry so many tears. Feel so much pain
Because of what I've done to you

These wrongs I can't undo
So I pay for them
Maybe someday I'll make it through

Life was much simplier then
God I hurt inside
It may stop, but, when?

These wrongs I can't undo
I hurt so much
But not as much as you

I'd walk through hell to take them back
I love so much
I'll pick up the slack

Wishing on my every breath that I was dead
Don't want these feeling anymore
Don't want the thoughts in this head

No matter what I do
I can never make it up
Atleast not to you

The wrongs I can't undo
They forever haunt me
Wondering if I'll finally shine through

.

I AM THE ONE THAT IS THE ASSHOLE

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 00:06:23 GMT

The truth of the matter is that I'm a fucking crazy idoit. I dont know what the hell has been getting into me latley. I need to, as my day would say, "Straighten up and fly right". I apologize to anyone who reads this bullshit. I'm a fucking asshole.

Stubborn people in the cold

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 06:53:33 GMT

Theya re funny that is all

Quizzes piss me off

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 05:39:18 GMT

You scored as Punk/Rebel.

</td>

Punk/Rebel

75%

Stoner

63%

Drama nerd

31%

Ghetto gangsta

25%

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

19%

Loner

19%

Geek

19%

Goth

19%

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com

I don't agree with this at all

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 20:51:41 GMT

You scored as Intrapersonal. You prefer your own inner world, you like to be alone, and you are aware of your own strengths, weaknesses, and feelings. You learn best by engaging in independent study projects rather than working on group projects. People like you include entrepreneurs, philosophers and psychologists.

</td>

Intrapersonal

79%

Verbal/Linguistic

71%

Interpersonal

64%

Musical/Rhythmic

50%

Visual/Spatial

50%

Logical/Mathematical

36%

Bodily/Kinesthetic

25%

The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
created with QuizFarm.com

What do you think is this what I'm like? Comments plz.

Please read and give feedback - The Mystery of Murksville

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 03:27:39 GMT

Chapter 1

The blood had dried on his jeans and the gun fire had ceased, but, what had happened? The last thing he remembered before he woke up was standing to shoot. Yes! He was standing to shoot, then a bang, and then darkness. What had happened? Was he dead? He ran his hand slowly threw his hair. He was hoping not to find a gaping hole in his head, and he didn't. Suddenly he smelled smoke. Not smoke from a fire, but, from a pipe.

He rose slowly from behind the large wooden crates he was hiding behind, and eventually fell behind, to look. He could see a man standing next to a pile of long dead bodies. He fingered the butt of his gun which had somehow made its way back into the old west style holster he bought at a gun shop. Then he slowly pulled it up and waited a minute until he could get a kill shot on this smoking man, if the need arised.

"Hey!" yelled the young man to no response.
"Hey, I'm talking to you!" he yelled again with a bit more fire in his voice.
"Yes?" said the man in a snake-ish hiss as he slowly turned, still smoking on his pipe.
"What the hell happened here?!" said the young man.
"Or is the question what didn't happen here, my boy?" said the old man as he started to let loose an insane howl of laughter.

Just then the young man, Douglas Dawson, sat straight up in bed. The memory of this man still haunting him from three years ago. Somehow, he had to find answers to the questions he had about that day, but, first he knew he must find out what questions needed to be asked. Apparently everyone in the town of Murksville that day was dead, except for him, and maybe the old man. Or did the old man ever exist? These questions, he has carried with him for three years. These nightmares, he has been having for three years. He took the empty bottle of whiskey beside his bed and threw it across the room into the wall, where it shattered. He heard the man in the next room yell something along the line of "Fucking cool it over there", but, he didn't care. He had to find the answers and something told him... he had to find them soon.

Chapter 2

The day was young as Mr. Dawson stepped out of the hotel room he had been staying in. He grabbed the last smoke he had from behind his ear and lit it up. A smoke as the sun rose had always been the reason he smoked at all. Something seemed so pure about it to him. It wasn't smoking just for smoking. It had a little purpose, besides, the nagging addiction.

He took the key up to the front desk and shelled out the thirty-five bucks they charged a night at this sleeze hole motel.

"Hey, you gotta cig I can bumb for the road, dude?" Doug asked the clerk.
The clerk fumbled a pack a cigarettes out of his front pocket. It was almost full maybe one or two smoked out of it. The greasy clerk looked at the pack and then reluctantly gave Douglas two smokes.

"Thanks alot."

He walked back outside. The sun was fully up now, and, he noted that it was hot as hell. He was in a desert town near Derveda, maybe. He never really knew where he was at any given time. Not because he was lost or anything, but, because he never asked. Since the incident three years ago he just kinda traveled by signs. Not the kind of signs that you see on the side of the road, rather, just feelings and coincidences.

Earlier in the week, he had heard something of interest. He was sitting a bar and he overheard that in a town called Fittstown there was some one selling miracles. The man was described as talking with a hiss. This instantly sparked an interest in the young mans mind. Now, if the man selling miracles in Fittstown was the man from that day was yet to be seen, but, he had to check. After all, it was the first lead he had in three freaking years.

He had traveled for four days when he saw the Fittstown banner. He checked his pockets for a smoke only to realize that he had ran out. As he stepped under the banner he heard a familiar voice.

"Do you believe in Miracles?" he could feel spittle hit the back of his neck from the hiss.

He turned to see that it was the man from Murksville. His search of three years was over.

"You. Do you remember me?" the young man asked with a fire in his eyes.

"Remember you? Mr. Dawson you have very much been in my thoughts. How have you been? You look tired have you been sleeping well?" The old man smiled a smile full of yellow teeth.

"Your gonna answer my questions this time! No more tricks!" he said as he quickly drew the magnum from its holster.

"Mr. Dawson, I think I have misjudged you. YOUR NOT READY FOR THE ANSWERS!" the old mans eyes grew red as the flames of hell as he spoke.

Then there was darkness...

Chapter 3

He was dreaming again. He was back at the day.

The old man had just stopped laughing.
"Man, this is serious. I was just in gunfight."Doug said his voice void of any emotion.

"Young man, don't worry if you were dead you wouldn't be talking to me, now would you?" said the crazed old man.

"I don't know, you could be the devil." Doug replied back with utter seriousness.

"What's your name or you just gonna make me call you young man." The old man said with a snarl.

Believing finally that he wasn't dead, but, still not completely sure. He rose to his feet, ready for anything.

"I'm Douglas Dawson. What's your name Gramps?" He said while approaching him slowly.

"Douglas Dawson, eh? Good guess at the name, there Douglas."

Gramps extended his hand to Doug, but, it wasn't accepted. Instead, Doug nervously pulled a cigarette up and lit it. When it was lit he threw his match on the ground and deeply inhaling.

"Your name's really Gramps? That's cool. Sorry, Gramps. The smoke has to come first in this case.

The old man chuckled "Yes, I thought you were dead myself, Douglas. You where the next one I was gonna drag over here."

"Um, burning the bodies? That's cool. Do you know what happened here?"

"Oh Yes. Mister Dawson. I do and I guess that's not to good for you, is it?" he said gritting his teeth.

Doug already had his gun aimed at the old bastards head. He was ready to shoot, but, as soon the old man saw the gun so professionally aimed at his head. He was ready to to retract his current statement.

"If you kill me. Then you will never know what happened. Why your life was spared. When you more than certainly should have been killed. I'm not saying it was a divine intervention, mind you. But, if you kill me. You'll always have to wonder." The old man said confindently.

Douglas couldn't stand to think about what the old man was suggesting. He spit on the ground and began to speak.

"I won't kill you. But, you have to let me leave.". he said while slowly letting down his gun.

"Mr. Dawson, I don't have TO LET YOU DO ANYTHING!" Gramps' eyes the brightest shade of red Doug had ever seen.

He knew when he awoken. He would later wake up, twenty miles away from town on a dirt road. With a letter from "Gramps" in his pocket:

Dear Mr. Douglas.

You need not worry about a thing. You are safe from any repercussion from the gunfight.

I assume, however, that this will not be enough for you. You appear to be a very foolish boy. I will warn you, though, if you do try to find me you will. Even though, I'll not give you a hint as to wear I'll be. It's hard to believe that one with your instincts is such a fool.

Gramps

It was the most elegant signature he had ever seen. He still carried that letter with him at all times.

He opens his eyes expecting to be outside of town again. Instead he was strapped to a bed and in a very sterile looking room.

"Where am I?" he said panicked to a blonde headed girl that looked to be about nineteen.

"The Miracle Man, left you to me. He said to hold you here for five hours. That was 16 hours ago. I have just been waiting on you to wake up. He said you and him had been out drinking and you went a little overboard." said the girl very calmly as she undid his restraints.

"Oh yeah, I guess so." said Doug not thinking the girl would believe his story. "You believe a guy that has a friend that would get so wasted can perform miracles? What was he turning Whiskey into Moonshine?" he replied sarcastically.

"You still haven't figured it out have you, Mr. Dawson." It was Gramps snake-like voice coming out of the girls mouth. "If you continue your search you will find out. AND YOU WON'T LIKE IT.

He stared for a minute as the girls eyes turned completely black. Then he shook his head and it was like none of that had happened. Before he left he found out that Gramps had left him a pack of cigarettes, his favorite brand. He had to find the Miracle Man.